One of Those Days

This morning I was insanely jealous of my husband. Jealous that he got to leave and go to work and I had to stay home. Jealous that he would return home for lunch, not having to worry about what food will appear on the table. Jealous that he would then get to leave and head back to work. Jealous that he would arrive home in the evening for dinner, again not having to think about or prepare the meal. Jealous that he would leave one more time for firefighter training. All this while I stayed at home. And didn't get to work. And stayed with kids all day.

I know deep down beyond this jealousy there lies thankfulness. I am thankful that we have the choice of whether or not I should work. I am thankful for my children, whom we prayed and prayed for for many years. I am thankful that I get to be with them more than a childcare provider gets to be with them. I am thankful that I don't miss the moments that I would be sad to miss. And I am thankful I don't pay someone else to watch those moments.

But there are days, like today, I struggle to push the jealousy down and pull the thankfulness up. Days like today, when the door shuts behind my husband, I have to fight back the tears. Days like today when an office, dressy clothes, and high heels sound heavenly.

I must be crazy. I'm sitting at my computer in my favorite sweats in the middle of the day. I'll go have my head examined now and fill you in on the results later.